So...some of you know that I've been struggling for the last few weeks. I was walking in fear -- fear of vulnerability, fear of being real, fear of hoping for things, fear of trusting. All the lies that Satan threw at me seemed so much closer and so much bigger than everything that I know is true. So, I chose to stand in a bunch of stuff that was not of God and I chose to keep my heart hidden, guarded, and isolated.
But (here comes the good part!) little did I know that God was after my heart like crazy...He was weakening the guard I had up without me even realizing it at first. In the few moments where my guard was down, He would send someone to speak truth to me and I would, of course, take it in because my guard wasn't up. So bits of truth about God, about others, and about myself were seeping into my heart and God used those bits of truth to get ahold of me...He's so sneaky sometimes...lol...I love it.
So tonight I was at Consuming Fire and God used like every song, every word, EVERYTHING to get ahold of my heart and to speak to me about different things. First of all, we meditated on Genesis 18 and the verse that totally stuck out to me was "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" God just started showing me that I have bought into the lie that there are promises that He has made that He won't fulfill because they are too big or difficult. I heard God say to me "The promises that I make are not made to be broken. Trusting in those promises...trusting in me...is not a waste of time. I will fulfill what I have promised. Don't believe the enemy when he says that your trust in me is in vain. Don't let circumstances tell you that something is too big for me. Trust in me and in my promises. I will not fail you...I will not forget about you. Don't let fear keep you from partaking of the blessings and promises that I have given you and that I want to give you. I did not create you to live in fear."
Then God spoke to me while we were singing "How Great is our God". He just kept saying to me over and over again "I am good. Trust me. I love you." There was a battle going on inside me between the truth of how good and loving God is and the fear that I had been walking in. I was afraid to give God the guard I had up. I was afraid to let it go and just let God be the protector of my heart and lover of my soul. But God just gently kept reminding me that He is good and loving and trustworthy. God won that one :)
So, then there was this song about victory and God showed me that I was hanging my head in defeat...that I was walking and living like a person who had been defeated and He totally called me on that. He showed me that I am not defeated because I am in Him and He cannot be defeated...He is victorius! He told me to lift my head in triumph and in victory because He is my victorius warrior! I am not defeated...Satan cannot overcome me, he cannot have victory over me because I am God's!!
Last but not least: God totally just filled me up with His love tonight...I seriously felt this physical sensation of being filled when I finally gave God permission to break the guard that I had over my heart...it was really cool (but kind of weird...lol).
I choose to stand in what I know is true, even if I can't see it...I choose to stand in truth and I know that I can trust God to lead me to a place where I can see that truth more clearly. I will no longer stand in defeat or fear...I will instead stand in God's love, in victory, and in the confidence/authority I have in Christ.
So can I just say that I love that even in our disobedience, defiance, stubborness, and fear God doesn't give up on us!?!?! God thank you so much for being relentless when it comes to our hearts, when it comes to us. You won't relent until you have us...all of us...Abba you are so wonderful! He didn't give up on me...He kept fighting for me...He kept pursuing me...He kept loving me (and He will continue to do so until He has every bit of us). He doesn't change even when we do...He doesn't stop loving us even when we push Him away...oh man...I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my mind around this...it's so powerful and so beyond anything I can understand...yet I know it's true and I believe it. Wow!