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So...I kind of fell for a boy who fell for someone else. I was hoping something would happen between me and this boy, but I didn't expect it. That's a huge deal...in the past I have had a hard time really finding that balance. I've been journaling like crazy lately and it's been really good. God showed me a lot of really cool stuff. Ron made me think about the first one. He told me that no matter what happened, God used this boy to draw my heart away from Rich (which was needed). I needed to back away from Rich, and then this boy came along. Also, I realized last night that this whole him liking someone else thing is an answer to prayer. I prayed (from the day that I realized I had feelings for him) that God would protect my heart in this situation and that His will would prevail. I thought protecting my heart meant that if this wasn't meant to be I wouldn't want it anymore or that it would be meant to be. But God chose to do it some other way. He protected my heart way more than I could imagine. If this boy would have said he had feelings for me, we would have dated and if we aren't meant to be then all that would come for both of us is a bunch of hurt. So, instead of God giving me this little desire of my heart, He protected my heart by preventing the hurt of a relationship ending. How cool is that? Another thing God showed me is that he used this situation to bring up some of my biggest hurts/lies/insecurities I've adopted into my identity. This brought up the whole idea of "of course he would like her instead of me...why should I be surprised? I'm not good enough for him" along with some other stuff. Without this situation, I might not have dealt with this. I've had some good Jesus time...some good crying...the start to some healing. And I can say something that I never thought I'd say. My beauty and my worth is not based upon whether someone else can see that. It's there even if nobody ever sees it. I know that there are people who do see it, but if nobody did it wouldn't make it go away. Who I am...the beauty I was created in...the beauty I am meant to walk in...the worth of my heart is not contingent on other people seeing it. I need to be confident in that even if I don't feel like anyone sees it. So...God used this situation to reveal/work on some stuff in me. It's so cool how God can take a situation and use in a way that I would never imagine. I guess that's why He's God and I'm not :) The fact that I can say I'm really ok is huge...the fact that I've grasped that my worth/beauty is not based upon whether people see it is huge...and Satan is going to try to undo this. He'll try to snatch it away...I'm going to need your help to hold onto it. So that's where I'm at right now...sorry for such a long post. But if you read it all, I want to say thanks and just ask you to walk with me in this truth. I'm not going to say I'm not fragile or raw...because I am. But I am ok and I'll be ok and God is doing amazing things in my fragility and brokenness. I choose to stand in the truth! Love you guys :)
Current Mood:
happy Loved by my Abba
Current Music:
It is Well With my Soul by Selah
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[User Picture]
On April 19th, 2007 05:44 pm (UTC), saulittlesister commented:
Woot! Go Stac and Jesus!
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